What Now?

​Did you just find out your loved one has been viewing pornograpy and you are devastated? You want to understand but you are angry? Hurt? Have they been unfaithful?  Or, maybe you knew something about it, but found out it is worse then you thought. If you know someone who needs help overcoming their sexual addiction, you are not alone. There is hope!

You have taken the first steps by recognizing the addiction and choosing to learn more about it. Can there be healing? Can you keep the marriage together? Absolutely. Is there a lot of work to be done? Absolutely.

​First, make a commitment to seek help and support. Decide where you will get that help and support. It is important for spouses of pornography/sex addicts to get counseling. It provides a safe place to share your pain, shock, and grief over the discovery that your spouse has betrayed you. They can teach you to set boundaries in your relationship if your partner is struggling with porn or other related sex addictions.
Addicts often believe that it is something “that everyone does” they do not realize the trail of devastation that is left behind.

​Whether they get help or not, you need to know:

• You did nothing to cause him/her to act out sexually. They are fully responsible for their own decesions and his actions.
• You will feel worse before you begin to feel better. You will go through cycles of hating him and loving him. Know that this is perfectly normal reaction to discovering his sex addiction problem.
• Both of you need to heal. Although it is tempting to focus all attention on getting them help to stop their sex addiction behaviors, do what you can each day to get yourself on a healing path as well.
• Respect their need for privacy as well as yours. There is a great deal of shame and secrecy with a sexual addiction. Family members and close friends may not be your best advocates.
• Only through calm, open, and honest discussion will there be an opportunity to rebuild trust. Let them know how their addiction has affected you.
• That you will need support from those who have been where you are, who fully understand your shock, anger, pain, and sadness. It is beneficial to find support a group, that will provide a safe place for you to share what you are feeling.

You may be feeling guilt, shame, frustration, anger, and deep sorrow. You do not have to face this alone.

I encourage you to seek therapy whether or not they are ready to start recovery. It is important for you to get support for yourself. You can learn about sexual addiction, how it effects you and your family, you can decrease the isolation you feel and learn that you do not have to be ashamed.