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She's never in the mood! I can not tell you the number of times I have heard this from men I have worked with over the years. A frustrated husband utterly in the dark about what makes his wife tick (or not tick). It is usually after many days, weeks or even months of busy schedules, long hours at work, obligations with kids, school, sports and other commitments. When you have minimal time time as a couple to talk, recreate and connect in a meaningful way couples can begin to wonder how marriage differs from a roommate you barely see. Add in a few conflicts, an insensitive comment or disrespectful judgement and you have a recipe for a frigid climate.

The most common scenario I see, although deeply troubling for those in it, is actually quite basic in its remedy. Part of the solution lies in our fundamental differences as men and women. Naturally, there are exceptions to the generalizations that I will make, however, based on my observations what I will share is often the case. Given that we as men seem to be endowed with a unique ability to compartmentalize we fail to understand how disconnect and conflict has anything to do with intimacy after a long stressful day. For the woman in our life she is thinking "why in the world would I want to be intimate, I don't even  like him right now"! Women are much more integrated in their personalities, they find it difficult to put aside hurt, unkind words, stress, frustrations and "snuggle".

At this risk of oversimplifying this....Men here are some basic instructions I share with my clients.

1. Speak her Love Language- Not just once, but daily, weekly, as a regular pattern in your life. Selfishness will try to prevent you from doing this, make a conscious effort to practice this. I sometimes put a 3x5 card on my dashboard to remind myself.
2. Engage her in conversation- Our wives are expressive responsive. This means she needs time to share her day with you; show empathy for what is going on in her world. She also needs to hear about your day. If you don't share at least some of what is going on in your world, in the words of one of my favorite authors Dr Emmerson Eggerich, you will just be "this mysterious Island she is forever paddeling around". Develop the ability to talk with her about your hopes, dreams and fears.
3. Sacrifice you needs- Put your agenda, hobbies etc. aside for hers. Demonstrate she is THE priority in your life. This may mean placing boundaries on the amount of hours you spend at work, watching sports, fishing or playing golf.
4. Show initiative- Be pro-active! Passivity in men is an issue that stems back to the Garden of Eden. Show initiative, lead well. Engage her when there is a decision to be made or conflict to work though such as parenting challenges or a budget issue.

You see, it's often less about sexual prowess, technique or whether you look buff enough. It really has to do with your ears and heart. Most men that apply these instructions will see sexual intimacy improve in their marriage. Some guys have asked, "how long do I have to do this"? Well, for the rest of your life.

You see....

Consistency+Time = A Good Love Life!

Getting away or going on vacation is a remedy often used for those that are tired and weary from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, work and the daily grind.  Removing yourself from your everyday enviornment makes it easier to detach and reinvest your time in activities that provide rest, relaxation, family togetherness and the recharging of batteries.

This practice was modeled in the Bible by Jesus who often retreated to a solitary place to rest, pray and prepare himself for what lay ahead.  Unlike Jesus though, for many of us, even when we do get away, we are distracted by cares and concerns and find it difficult or even impossible to unwind.  The outcome? We return home in the same state we left.  As a therapist with a busy practice, I carry the emotional burdens of many people on a weekly basis.  Getting away with my family is a regular practice in my life. I have on a number of occasions found myself sitting in a canoe in the lake pictured above, surrounded by beauty and tranquility yet immersed mentally in the stories and challenges of my clients back at the office. 

It is during those times that I have had to purposefully shift gears into relaxation mode, a skill I teach my clients who deal with stress and anxiety. It is a tool I borrow from an approach called mindfulness.  Mindfulness brings into a persons awareness all of the senses, sight, sound, smell, taste and touch.  To do so in the moment, creates a distraction from other competing thoughts and allows you to be present and appreciate the moment.  For me, while sitting in the canoe, it meant noticing the looming mountains in the distance, the clear water beneath me, the loon swimming just in front of me, listening to his distinct call. I tuned into other sounds like the lapping of the water against the canoe and the sound of my children's voices laughing on the beach in the distance.  I can go on and on and elaborate at great length what my senses were taking in.  As I practiced this skill, the former thoughts and worries fell by the wayside and I was able to be present in the moment and enjoy my surroundings.

Regardless of where you find yourself, at the beach on vacation or sitting for a half hour during your lunch break, take time to disconnect from the stressors in your life and tune in to those things that bring you rest and joy because as you have likely heard it said, "there is no rest for the weary"!