Jaeger Counseling Blog
A Marriage & Pre-marital Counseling Individual & Family Therapy Resource |
She's never in the mood! I can not tell you the number of times I have heard this from men I have worked with over the years. A frustrated husband utterly in the dark about what makes his wife tick (or not tick). It is usually after many days, weeks or even months of busy schedules, long hours at work, obligations with kids, school, sports and other commitments. When you have minimal time time as a couple to talk, recreate and connect in a meaningful way couples can begin to wonder how marriage differs from a roommate you barely see. Add in a few conflicts, an insensitive comment or disrespectful judgement and you have a recipe for a frigid climate.
The most common scenario I see, although deeply troubling for those in it, is actually quite basic in its remedy. Part of the solution lies in our fundamental differences as men and women. Naturally, there are exceptions to the generalizations that I will make, however, based on my observations what I will share is often the case. Given that we as men seem to be endowed with a unique ability to compartmentalize we fail to understand how disconnect and conflict has anything to do with intimacy after a long stressful day. For the woman in our life she is thinking "why in the world would I want to be intimate, I don't even like him right now"! Women are much more integrated in their personalities, they find it difficult to put aside hurt, unkind words, stress, frustrations and "snuggle". At this risk of oversimplifying this....Men here are some basic instructions I share with my clients.
You see, it's often less about sexual prowess, technique or whether you look buff enough. It really has to do with your ears and heart. Most men that apply these instructions will see sexual intimacy improve in their marriage. Some guys have asked, "how long do I have to do this"? Well, for the rest of your life. You see.... Consistency+Time = A Good Love Life! Getting away or going on vacation is a remedy often used for those that are tired and weary from the hustle and bustle of everyday life, work and the daily grind. Removing yourself from your everyday enviornment makes it easier to detach and reinvest your time in activities that provide rest, relaxation, family togetherness and the recharging of batteries.
This practice was modeled in the Bible by Jesus who often retreated to a solitary place to rest, pray and prepare himself for what lay ahead. Unlike Jesus though, for many of us, even when we do get away, we are distracted by cares and concerns and find it difficult or even impossible to unwind. The outcome? We return home in the same state we left. As a therapist with a busy practice, I carry the emotional burdens of many people on a weekly basis. Getting away with my family is a regular practice in my life. I have on a number of occasions found myself sitting in a canoe in the lake pictured above, surrounded by beauty and tranquility yet immersed mentally in the stories and challenges of my clients back at the office. It is during those times that I have had to purposefully shift gears into relaxation mode, a skill I teach my clients who deal with stress and anxiety. It is a tool I borrow from an approach called mindfulness. Mindfulness brings into a persons awareness all of the senses, sight, sound, smell, taste and touch. To do so in the moment, creates a distraction from other competing thoughts and allows you to be present and appreciate the moment. For me, while sitting in the canoe, it meant noticing the looming mountains in the distance, the clear water beneath me, the loon swimming just in front of me, listening to his distinct call. I tuned into other sounds like the lapping of the water against the canoe and the sound of my children's voices laughing on the beach in the distance. I can go on and on and elaborate at great length what my senses were taking in. As I practiced this skill, the former thoughts and worries fell by the wayside and I was able to be present in the moment and enjoy my surroundings. Regardless of where you find yourself, at the beach on vacation or sitting for a half hour during your lunch break, take time to disconnect from the stressors in your life and tune in to those things that bring you rest and joy because as you have likely heard it said, "there is no rest for the weary"! For many of us, the amount of time our kids spend on their phones is a BIG concern. Add in tablets, gaming systems and movie streaming, is there any time left for families to connect? Technology separates families, the internet can consume time you may otherwise spend together talking, reading, laughing, making meals together, playing games.
Teens today spend a lot of hours a week in front of a screen. Too much screen time leaves me feeling grouchy, short and irritable. Have you noticed your kids being grouchy, short and irritable? Or saying things like "I have to have this" or "why can't I do that"? Could it be that they are spending too much time on technology? What happens when you try to limit it? "All my friends parents don't care how long they are on their phones, they don't have restrictions, you are so overprotective!" You start to wonder could this be true? Am I over thinking this? Times have changed, this is just what kids do these days., right? Is it really worth the argument and attitude to enforce time constraints? I want to be bold fellow parents, let's stick together and say YES, it is! In many homes parents, myself included, lay down rules about internet usage but have a hard time following through with enforcing these rules. Technology to the rescue... recently, I learned about a free app that can shut off all apps and internet access on a phone. You can schedule your teens apps to go off at a certain time each night to make sure they get their zzz's. If you want to have technology free "family time" with a push of a button internet and apps are gone! The app is called Our Pact. Their mission is to empower parents to guide their children through the balanced use of technology. Blocking times when kids can get on the internet without creating an alternative can create a void. If you want more family time, plan it. If you want them to be a better soccer player, get out there and practice with them. Most importantly, we need to think about the relationship we want our kids to have with technology and model it. o empower parents to guide their children through the balanced use of technology.To empower parents to guide their children through the balanced use of technology. It is often said that no one knows us like those closest to us. A number of years ago, I was invited to speak at a father-daughter banquet. What an honor to be able to speak on the importance of the father-daughter relationship and on the role that we as men play in our daughters lives. It was a wonderful evening with my daughter, filled with dancing, good food and conversation. As a part of the festivities that evening,the daughters were given the floor to share thoughts about their dads. It was a special time, heartwarming and funny as the little girls dressed in their frilly dresses all began with, "I love my dad because..." The responses ranged from, "he takes me to the park" to "he reads me stories at bedtime". As my daughter approached the microphone, I pridefully thought to myself, you've got this! After all, I knew I did all those things and more. I was not prepared for what she said.. "I love my dad because when he gets angry and yells he says, "I am sorry". With a cheerful simile and a chuckle, she handed the microphone to the next girl.
The blood drained from my face. My initial thought was, "I am a horrible father", and now everyone knows it. You see, my daughter, son and wife all have a front row seat looking into my life. Every success, challenge or problem I struggle with, is on display. James 3:2 says, "For we all stumble in many things. If anyone does not stumble in word, he is a perfect man, able also to bridle the whole body". It's not really a matter of do we struggle but what we do when we struggle. Do we pridefully deny we have a problem, do we minimize it or do we make amends? It takes humility and an attitude of brokenness to be real and admit that we are all in process. For our little ones, letting them know that we are wrong, sorry and working on it, models the very characteristics we hope to see in them as they learn to take responsibility and mature. Do you struggle to admit your faults? Are you aware that you hurt those you love at times but have a difficult time knowing how to address it? Reach out to a trusted friend, pastor or counselor. They probably already know you don't have it all together :) As a married man and a counselor who works with couples, I am reminded daily about the importance of healthy communication. It is considered one of the foundational building blocks necessary in any relationship. Our openness as well as skill in communicating varies from person to person and is influenced by many factors including our temperament, personality and what we saw modeled in our family of origin growing up. In some families, there is a poverty of communication where family members are left to guess or make assumptions about the needs and expectations of others. In other homes, communication may not be safe and words are used to harm and attack one another creating a destructive environment.
Getting engaged and planning a wedding are exciting times! So many people to tell, pictures to post and plans to make. Do we really need premarital counseling? Is it worth the time? The effort? Expense?
What is Premarital Counseling? Couples considering making a life long commitment will benefit from exploring potential relationship issues before making a Till Death Do Us Part promise. It is a fantastic opportunity to learn communication skills that will teach you to resolve conflict in an effecient way. It will allow you to explore and identify potential differences in areas such as finances, children, traditions, Holidays, in-laws... It will better equip you to know what it is really like to be Husband and Wife. We come together as couples with different backgrounds, family of origins, ideals and possibly baggage from previous relationships. In premarital counseling, you will be encouraged to share with one another your dreams, your fears, your differences and your expectations. Premarital counseling helps you build a strong foundation for your marriage. So, is premarital counseling worth the time, money, effort? Absolutely! Give your marriage the start it deserves. Premarital Counseling |
Norman Jaeger
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